It's 3:30 am. I'm wide awake. Grief reached it long fingers 2000 miles across the country into my heart through the dreamtime. Wake up. My heart aches with my sisters pain. Her grief so deep and excruciating there is no escape, no expression, no action that will release its firm hold on her heart. I have no words of comfort. I send back through the night time stars love and peace, an essence of calm, an ethereal hug. There is no comforting. I know when we do talk in the "real time" all I can do is listen as she finds some space and way to spill out a fraction of her pain. But tonight through the ethers into my heart its vibration is felt and love is sent this early morning.
I'm awake. I'm thinking about how our culture does not deal with death very well. We have some formulated code to which we should adhere. "The stages of grief." A length of time we're suppose to be beyond it. An expectation from one another not to show our pain too much. We don't talk about it. We hide. We become hollow, an empty vessel trying to function in our daily tasks like it's okay inside. We are not to show it when we feel vengeful or rage. We can't throw ourselves down and scream and kick.
Sometimes it's different. We may miss the physical presence of our dead loved one so profoundly it brings deep grief but we also find great joy in their essential nature which stays close to us. We can't share our joy too much. Those precious moments when our loved one sits in our hearts, or hovers free all around us whispering stories in our minds, waiting to be seen, sending colors, songs and messages through natures beauty. These feelings are frowned upon in some circles and mocked in others, looked upon as being in denial, kind of crazy or wacky.
So there it is Death, it brings grief, fear, anger, a profound love, deep longing, great gratitude for the gift of life, recognition of how precious our loved ones are, it's part of being a human being. What's so wrong with any of that? Why does it need to be put into a box, neatly described, analyzed, tied up securely? Why can it all be messy, beautiful, sad, ugly, angry, expressed or hidden just be whatever it is for anyone, feeling what they feel without fear, guilt or shame? Why are so many of us uncomfortable with ourselves in our emotions? If we're honest, we can just feel what we feel in the moment. It makes space for the next moment and the next expression. We don't get stuck. We don't have to hide or pretend. We teach each other how to be with death and it's okay to feel what you feel.
Guess I'll go have some more tea. It'll be time to get up soon enough.